Lately I’ve been thinking about the paths people take. Are we conditioned to take certain roads? Expected to go one direction instead of another? If we diverge from one path does that make us disingenuous or impulsive or foolish?
As I look at my options ahead of me, the safe and secure path versus a less stable (but possibly more rewarding if it works out), I wonder about all the people I talk to who hate their jobs, their lives, their situations. How did they get there? Hell, how did I get here?
I do know that I would not be moving forward if it wasn’t for my friends (many of whom are linked at the right)- their encouragement, their wisdom, their advice. Everytime I turn on the television (generally a mistake in and of itself), the channels are full of sitcoms and dramas about people who don’t quite know how they got to the present. Such a sign of cultural malaise frightens me.
Because if that is your life, then you go to a job you hate, come home and turn on the television to drown out the 9-5 grind, only to be pacified by a simulacrum of your life, only you’re watching someone else at work acting the part of a character who is living a life much like you. Somehow it doesn’t seem like much compensation or reprieve, especially as they are getting paid more per episode than your yearly salary.
More and more craft friends of mine are throwing in the towel, while many keep on making the world a more adorable place. And I wonder if soon even more will will quit, feeling like that path has run its course and has ended unceremoniously. But that’s the quagmire, isn’t it? Running with what inspires you now, even if you’re uncertain that you will continue down this particular road forever. Because who knows what you’re going to discover along the way.
As a kid, there was no question. My life was going to go like this: High school. College. Job. Marriage. Kids. Grandkids. Retirement somewhere sunny with canasta and floral shirts.
But it hasn’t quite panned out like that. And ludicrously, I feel like I failed along the way because I haven’t lived up to some contrived notion of my life that was scripted for me while I was still in the womb. Everyone else in my family had done the same, so that was how it was going to be.
And most of my summer has been me struggling with the question of ‘who’s right?’ So I apply for jobs and then some more jobs and find myself become more entranced by art and research and conceptual ideas.
Last weekend I flipped through my high school yearbook at a friend’s house. I looked at all the familiar faces and thought about how we used to ask one another, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ I was never quite sure. Flipping through pages of the past I wondered where all of those people are now. If they’re on the right path or have found their life’s calling or have valued their hearts and dreams instead of financial security.
All I know is that in starting several art projects lately I’ve felt less contradicted about where I’m going and more sure of the fact that I’m the one navigating. For better or for worse. And writing all of this here is less of a confessional, and more because I know for a fact that I’m not the only one feeling this way right now.
I just wanted to let you know that it’s not just you.
I really, really, really needed to read that just then. Thank you.
i like to say i’m a “late bloomer”. but, i’ve been very late. late with a lot of things. we all feel the pressures of conformity. it’s easy to turn your nose and ignore it, though, it nags at the back of your head. i’ve often wondered what is my purpose. i have a friend that asks me if i want to “make a difference”. his idea of this and my idea are not the same. i know i make a difference on a daily basis (or at least weekly). we touch lives, in ways we are not even aware, until someone confesses to you one day. it takes all kinds to make the world go around. what is your purpose, or mine? who knows. but, we do know it’s the quality of life. maybe it’s all based on your personal beliefs, afterlife, or something. but, i know that i have this gift, this life, and i should spend it how i want to. maybe it’s my sister’s calling to have 6 children, and me, maybe a goldfish. the tough call is what happens when the ride is over. do you have regrets? let’s all hope not. let’s all hope we did what we wanted, when we wanted, and how we wanted. i know now my joy in life is making things. it’s a deep deep need. will i aspire to someone else’s aspirations? who knows. it’s all about passion.
we figure things out when we need to. when a situation does not please you/me anymore, then there’s a call for change. listen to your gut. that little voice inside doesn’t know how to lie. take care.
it’s good to have the guts to walk away from what is not making you happy. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t that be easy? But it’s not because of that script from birth. I was going to go to college, grad school, and become an anthro prof, and practice action anthropology. Sounds great, but it was not for me. The action anthro part was, but turns out i did not care for teaching college classes. Speaking in front of the class never ceased making me anxious, homework, theirs and mine, never became enjoyable. Here i was, so many years of schooling invested, and in a career that was meant for someone, but not me.
I had been taking metalsmithing classes as a distraction, and became good at it. I was offered a job in a jewelry shop. Could i really walk away from the career i had that i had been planning for for such a long time? I did, i was really scared, and now i am so happy you would not believe it.
DO what feels right, and it looks like you are. Have a wonderful time on the farm and soak up as much knowledge as you can.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your blog, it has encouraged me, and given me food for thought on many occasions.
Is it true that you know people who are giving up, “throwing in the towel?” that is sad.
I think to live a fear motivated life is the root of so many things that make us sick personally and culturally. When I say fear motivated, I am partly talking about the need to be secure. Secure against what? Against not having enough?
It is important to remember that there are options, even if one chooses a nine to five life, it is only a choice. We can be wild if we want. We can be our own heroes! (which I say a lot.) We can be wild even when we are wearing high heels! (although they have no place on the farm…)
eek. I’m not real concise here. oh well.