On accentuating the positive and embracing failure

fiveforthenewyear

Anxiety. It’s something we don’t talk much about in the craft world. However, it’s something we all face in our own ways and also something you can learn to deal with with the posts at Observer website. We all have our worries, our fears, our insecurities. And to be honest, this is something that the craft world is not good at facing. We are excellent cheerleaders and friends and co-workers and always there to lend support, which has buoyed myself and thousands of others for well over a decade. I have never felt such warmth in a community as I have in the craft world.

However, we are not good when it comes to problems. To sharing them, embracing them, letting others know we are having them. And I think the internet takes a lot of blame here, because we’re all curators of our own feeds. And just like sex sells, so does beauty. And aspiration. I’m not saying we need to do a huge turn and start complaining. But I am saying we need to think about being more honest about our foibles, our flaws, and our troubles. Because if we don’t feel open enough to share a problem or a post that is less than perfect, how strong of a community have we actually built?

Can a full-functioning community be formed on just the positive?

Well, I definitely know it can’t be formed entirely in the negative, so high five for the crafternet not turning into a total jerkfest. While I know that side of things exists, I’m super glad it’s in the minority, so woohoo and hell yeah, way to go, kids! I guess I just have perfection fatigue. I can’t emotionally connect with a photo of your perfect house with nothing out of place, yet I can’t stand to take a photo with too many things out of place, either. Therefore, I, too, am part of the problem. I am tired of it and bored by it, but I’m also trapped by it.

I also think that this also has to do with the fact that we’re all still figuring out this here internet. Because things that go on the internet stay on the internet, I think we’re reluctant to show our imperfect sides because they conflict with who we aspire to be, not necessarily with who we are now.

I’m also tired of initiatives that cost tons and basically offer a person on the other end saying, “you can do it!.” I’m not talking about business coaching, but about hand holding. We should be holding each other’s hands better, but in order to do so, we need to let more of our vulnerability show in order to more holistically connect. That people are lining up to pay money to be told “you, too, can do this!” speaks to the fact that we need more transparency and openness in our own community.

That people are only posting perfection and then others feel that they’re failing because their lives are not that perfect signals to me, a disconnect. One of our own devising. We’ve created a vicious cycle of want and distance. We find ourselves wanting to be like other people, even though we are wanting to be how someone else is purposely presenting themselves vs. how they actually are. And the distance that it’s creating keeps us from interacting authentically and from showing any vulnerability.

That’s what I want out of my community. Shared vulnerability. And that’s why I posted that photo above, a recent Instagram photo. I want to talk about my failures and my goals and receive help and tips as I go, not just receive a “way to go” once I get there, because going on that journey alone is beginning to tire me. Now don’t get me wrong, the “way to gos” have their place, but when comment threads have 25 “way to gos” in them, what does that mean? That we’re scared to share our own related story? Too busy to say anything else? That we don’t feel like our story has a place there? That we’re too thinly spread? Or maybe everyone else is backchanneling all these discussions? I guess I just feel that we get so stuck on selling ourselves and our competencies, we forget to share where we’re not moving forward. Or when we do share, we fear that we’re sharing too much.

Last week in my newsletter, I spoke about two different initiatives. One, a secret Facebook group about growth and failure. We’re still figuring it out and it may fail, but I hope it at least gives people a place to share where they want to go and what problems they’re facing. And somewhere to talk about the process of getting to where you want to be. (If you’re into it, add me on Facebook and message me that you’d like to join!) And the other, I’m starting to do freelance work, and even have a little freelance website set up over here. I’ve been editing for years and love helping people find their authentic voices and strength in their own words. And it’s scary. I literally feel like I’m standing on a very thin branch, even though I know that not everyone feels comfortable with their written words, whether they’re still percolating in their head or whether they’re on a website or about to go to print.

And I’m wondering why no one else talks about how freakin’ thin that branch really is. How scary it is to find yourself without the infrastructure that a day job provides and to create a new one. Because there is no path to follow if you’re working from your own heart. There is no promise of a net, yet you know the only way one will appear is if you jump wholeheartedly. Holy hell! And how, yes, how the threat of failure becomes excessively real in a way you never even imagined, because you’re so busy being terrified of hitting the ground that you can’t even imagine that the net will appear. So you stand there, paralyzed, waiting for someone else to make the decision or possibly a heavy gust of wind, when in fact, nothing is going to happen if you don’t decide to move.

But maybe I’m just speaking to myself here. Maybe I’m on that branch all alone. Maybe it really is just me. But, you know what? That’s okay. Really truly honestly okay. I love my friends and peers and colleagues, especially those that are crafty. And I adore beyond belief the community that has been made. But I need to say that I am scared and terrified and really truly not sure everything is going to work out. And as much as I love the “you can do its” and “way to gos,” sometimes I really just need to hear a “me too.”

So here’s a little tiny callout for more “me toos” in the world. Maybe you need to hear a “me too,” too. If you do, let me know either in the comment section or via email. I’m glad to lead the tiny charge in the hopes it can make a crack in the foundation that leads to more shared vulnerability and to an even stronger community. Because we need “me toos” as much as we need “way to gos” in order to grow to our fullest potential, in order to see and hear that we are not alone. Or maybe it’s just me and that’s okay, but I needed to say this anyway just in case one of you out there is thinking “me too,” too. Because it’s not just you, it’s me, too.

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8 Responses to On accentuating the positive and embracing failure

    • Betsy March 25, 2015 at 12:31 pm #

      Aw, what a magnificent post! Thanks so much for sharing it with me, Jill! That Bukowski poem gave me goosebumps in its sheer truth. And thanks for the “me too,” too… they do soothe my soul when I’m wondering if it’s just lil’ old me.

  1. wfih March 24, 2015 at 9:30 pm #

    What a relief to read this. I was hoping the scant stuff I wrote would always be honest in this regard. My crafting is far from perfect and I appreciate it for that. (One entry on this subject: http://workidlehands.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/mistakes.html)

    • Betsy March 25, 2015 at 12:34 pm #

      I appreciate my craft for its imperfection, too. I’ve heard people say that you can always tell if something was handmade by whether or not it has any mistakes. While I this isn’t always true, I like that factor, the humanity shown in the thread.

  2. Faye March 25, 2015 at 4:06 am #

    I don’t have an answer to why but its every where.
    I do realise that to be able to appreciate the light we need to have seen the dark also.

    • Betsy March 25, 2015 at 12:26 pm #

      Faye, yes! That’s what makes the light all the more beautiful!

  3. Rebecca March 26, 2015 at 8:34 pm #

    Are you saying that we need to share the flaws of our work processes more or our inner turmoil about the making? One of the things i most value about blogging is that it separate from my turmoil, it is the work that stays done, the artifact of the process. The dark parts are intensely private for me. The blog parts are the bits i feel safe to share. I am definitely not ready to expose more than i do but wow i do find your posts very thought provoking and challenging. Your honesty is both inspiring and almost horrifying to me as i think what it might be like to stand in that space for me.

    • Betsy March 28, 2015 at 2:27 pm #

      Oh, thank you so much, Rebecca! I think we need to share at a level that makes us just a little bit uncomfortable in order to push ourselves to be more authentic. However, I am also fiercely protective of some aspects of me and do not share them online, because it’s not the proper venue. And I think your posts are lovely and do show bits of yourself quite nicely! I just get tired of seeing everything perfect all the time because humans aren’t perfect. And then I hear people saying how they don’t measure up and it breaks my heart. xx

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